what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
You Might Also Like
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..