“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
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I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Lol.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.