“What do we want?”
“When do we want them?”
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All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*