@RudeFunPillow

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

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@WheelTod

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

@ozzyunc

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

@ItMightBeJimbo

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

@BonaFideIntent

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

@mommajessiec

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

@Cornjerker78

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

@PaperWash

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

@steveolivas

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?