@WheelTod If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
@RudeFunPillow “WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
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@WheelTod 
@ozzyunc The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
@ItMightBeJimbo Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
@BonaFideIntent I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
@SheMightHave Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
@offbeatoliv Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
@mommajessiec Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
@Cornjerker78 Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
@PaperWash How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
@steveolivas If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?