“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
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This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Thursday
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.