WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]