WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
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I would move hell over six inches for you
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania