What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
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leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
oh my gosh!!
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.