what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
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Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Every time my phone rings
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!