“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
You Might Also Like
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral