What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
You Might Also Like
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.