“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
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Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA