“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
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Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY: That’s the ball
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
What personal space?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
“How did your grammar competition go?”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?