What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
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PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Jogging has never helped my memory.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
😂 amazing answer
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??