What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
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Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment