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Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”