What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
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I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.