What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
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I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro