What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
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never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
What’s a Messi?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.