Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

subtitles are so good nowadays

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.