@MaximumEfficacy

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

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@robfromonline

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

@Darlainky

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

@Jenny4ashley

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

@MommaUnfiltered

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

@coolmathgame_

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

@patsatweetin

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

@joerogan

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

@greenmartinis

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.