What do you call a retired miner?
Doug
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
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Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Ape together strong
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Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
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