Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

is this a threat