What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
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Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
There’s always that one guy
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON