What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
rich people when they have to pay taxes
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.