What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
You Might Also Like
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
The cashier just checked me out.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.