What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’