What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
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Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.