If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
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“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.