Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

how long have you had this for?

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.