Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle