What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
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HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared