What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
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In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”