@OhNoSheTwitnt

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

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@amydillon

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

@stuckinaportal

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

@Reverend_Scott

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

@TheBoydP

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

@Mom_Overboard

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

@PoodleSnarf

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

@TheBoydP

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

@squirrel74wkgn

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991