What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.