“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
What do you call the yellow ones?
And the black ones?
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
*flips table into moon*
Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?