Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
What do you call the yellow ones?
And the black ones?
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
Me: Okay, let’s go
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!