What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

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Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.


my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself


Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”


*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*


The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.


“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”


Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out


4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go


*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!