@SoulYodeler Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
@OhNoSheTwitnt What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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@SoulYodeler 
@itsnashflynn my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
@PajamaBen_ Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
@UncleDuke1969 *wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
@paminski The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
@SexySpainNights “Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
@BowlinShoeUgly “Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
@beardedsaffa Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
@FatherWithTwins 4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
@Stellacopter *phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!