@amydillon “Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
@OhNoSheTwitnt What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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@amydillon 
@stuckinaportal [portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
@Reverend_Scott HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
@TheBoydP Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
@JasonLastname The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
@Mom_Overboard Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
@Bobby_Corwin Checkmate, Flat Earthers
@PoodleSnarf *first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
@TheBoydP How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
@squirrel74wkgn [looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991