Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

lmfao come on

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.