What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
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GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
This squirrel eats better than I do
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*puts my mental health in rice
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.