What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
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When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.