What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
But that’s none of my business
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
How all things should be taught/explained.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.