What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
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– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
This is hilarious….
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”