“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
When someone trying to leave me
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
inside you are two wolves
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
“Sheer Arrogance”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
the composer
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats