What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
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Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
yeah 😭
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.