What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
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Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Van Gone
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else