What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
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One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?