What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
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With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I’d love this…lol
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”