Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Love is always patient and kind.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

Mummies are just super modest zombies

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there