What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
School be like
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.