What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
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[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Effort made
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
you stereotypes are all alike
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.