What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
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ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Pikachu found the lost joint
I have two kinds of followers
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
What the hell is going on?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it