What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
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My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.