What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
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Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.