What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
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Lucky old June.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it