What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
You Might Also Like
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”