What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Hotels are back
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.