What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
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[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.