What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
get you a girl who
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.